building blocks

ROME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY...

'Nuff said there.

I really like pumpkin pie with whip cream. Turkey is ok but the stuffing is what I dig more. Who can resist the sweet potatoes with the crunchy pecan stuff on top. Yum.

Sorry about that, having flashbacks of a great thanksgiving meal.

God you are such a superb provider. Thanks for that.

Cleansing

So here it is, a confession...hoping it is good for the soul. Or at least, good for healing.

I signed up for this site called christian mingle. It is a christian singles website. I was having fun with it...chatting and talking with guys from all over. Even met 2 that I still stay in contact with though there is no potential for romance.

The thing is, it is alot of fun, until the guy decides to not write back or he finds someone else. Then I am left with "What the heck?" How could it be going along just hunky-dory and out of the blue...POOF!....that person is gone. It really feeds my fear of being rejected. I feel rejection each time a person leaves. I don't like to admit that but it is true. All of a sudden it becomes clear to me that I made that person a validater of my worth. Instead of releasing the expectations and seeing it for what it is, an online penpal...no more and no less. Not the decider of Mel's place in this world or anything else.

The cool part is that I see it...and God sees it. I am open to change and realizing I can't do it alone. That is why I have been going to group counseling. Talking to other people about "my issues"...and finding the strength inside of me (with God's love, of course).

In my mind, I am seeing more choices....what will I choose. You know what, I choose, LIFE...and to the full. I want hope, freedom, faith, and love guiding me...not the bullshit I have on my back...but I must be brave and quit thinking I am a victim in all this. I'M NOT!

God is love, people. Embrace that.

Peace.

This photo speaks volumes

My dad invited me to check on flights to come see him for the holidays. For those of you that don't know, this is huge. Before this year I hadn't seen my dad since high school (about 13 yrs ago). Needless to say the connection has been restored. We are trying to stay in touch and develop some sort of relationship as dad/daughter. It is still so new. Very tentative and HOPEFUL!

Hope you all had a good Thanksgiving. I spent mine with people at a shelter. Good food, laughs, and new friends. It was great!

Take care, I am out for the rest of the week. Will be back Monday.

PS Lots of lurkers...post a comment. I want this to be an interactive experience.

CODA

So I have been going to this group meeting on Tuesday nights. Last night, I said what I thought at the end. I'll give you the short version:

Me: "So what is up with just sharing? Isnt there anyone to give advice or tell me the best way to solve my problem?"

Them: We think that it is good to listen. To allow people to share without feedback. The people come here tend to have issues with control, etc. After the meeting, feel free to ask advice though."

Me (in my thoughts): "What the hell! There isnt anyone to tell you what to do or how to be? You mean I have to figure this out for myself, no more being led around or manipulated to behave a certain way by people? HUH?"

This is a very foreign concept for me because whether knowingly or unknowlingly people have controlled me my whole life (and apparently I do the same- not malevantly but I do). I have to stand on my own two feet. Try new things. Learn and fail. For a perfectionist like me, this is tricky stuff. To fail. To try but fail. That makes my stomach quesy and YET...there is something very cool about it. Living my own life, with others, but still the choices and decisions are up to me. Maybe there is even more power when you make a choice to submit out of love and not fear of rejection or some silly thing. Wow. Nice. Thanks God....I am a work in progress...I like that.

Good news!!

I enjoy when good things happen...like couples getting engaged! Fellow blogger, Reid, announced his engaement to Bethany. I wish them the best.

Check it out here.

My first part of finals went well. I set up a camera and tripod, c-stands, and lighting package. Not perfectly but with some help. It was fun. I like my class alot. Looking foward to part 2 in the spring.

What do you think of this picture?
Dale Terbush is his name. I think he is a genius!

PS Maria, I hope you are having fun in KC.

some verses

We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist.

But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation:

Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

I Corinthians 13:12-13, The Message

Twisted

I see the knots in my heart.

God help me to not only see but to do things to change them...

Perfectionism is a prison. I don't like being in it.

I am complete unto myself. I dont need a man's approval to make me whole. I dont need a man to fufill me or my life's purpose. Never having my dad around made me really cling to men who came in and out of my life, as if my worth was wrapped up in them. I sought their approval in all ways but being a loving, whole person...an equal. TIMES ARE CHANGING.

Selah--

Questions and answers

The more life I live, the more I realize just how little I actually know. Weird.

AND that is ok. I have said it before and I will say it again. Not knowing is ok. I am not perfect nor is that what life is about. The way I measure my life is skewed.

God grant me the wisdom to see what is real and true.

Distracted

So many things in this life can distract you...pressures...expectations...opinions. It is a wonder we can hold our head up with the weight of it all. Good news though, we aren't meant to carry that burden. We can make a choice to release it and walk free.

What does that look like?

I want to know...

Who decides?

Who decides what our value is?

Does anyone have the right to tell another person they think they are beyond repair?

What kind of fear, anger, rebellion, hard-heartedness would make one person say to another that they cannot handle who they are?

I think it is time for people to "open" their eyes and start really looking at people (this is very much for me too!). I mean really taking the time to BE with people...understand where they are coming from. Accepting and helping them in their journey with life. There isnt this one size fits all way life is supposed to be. If we keep thinking that there is, we are in big trouble.

Kind of fired up this morning but God is using some pretty interesting circumstances in life to teach me a thing or two about relationships and real love.

Been reading a book on what "boundaries" are and how they are healthy and loving if properly set up...
What do you think?

Reflecting Him

This is a quote from a Nelson Mandela speech, it inspires me.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Ponder.

PS No story today, but sometime soon. Tired.

Embarrassing moment

Today goes down in the books as one I will remember for awhile. Something very funny happened. It concerns a new friend, an email, and a best friend...mix all those things and hilarity ensues...I'll tell you all about it tomorrow after I get done with school.

Trust me it is worth the wait, a good lesson came out of it to boot!

Take the risk

This is a post written by Rick over at A New Life Emerging, it says exactly what season of life God has me in...opening up, revealing, risking...being ok for people to see who I really am, the wonderful and the not so great bits.
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Here ya go:


Are you willing to risk being wounded?It seems that everything in life demands that we play it safe but playing it safe doesn’t always lead us to the life that we want to live. We want to be liked, accepted, and received. Rarely do we want to be rejected and disliked, so we play it safe. Our fears almost demand that we play it safe. Playing it safe does not allow us to engage in the game of life, to live what is in our souls. Playing it safe, while not always bad, is a form of control.To seek and search the depths of our souls for the real life that breathes in the depths of our being requires that I may risk giving up my life in order to truly encounter life-- to live. It doesn’t necessarily means that I expose my naked soul to you--but it could and it may. To live I may need to get naked.

In a small group that I am a participant, the topic of vulnerability arose. Many folks were talking about being vulnerable and I quickly got the impression that their definition and my definition are different. They were talking about being insecure. I was talking about facing my insecurities and entering in to vulnerability where I risk the wound. For me, to be vulnerable means to risk being wounded.It can take tremendous courage to be vulnerable.It doesn’t mean that I am fearless or not insecure it means that I do not allow my fears or insecurities to prevent me from doing what I am called to do. Doing what I am called to do or going where I felt led to go requires that I risk the potential of things not working out and requires that I “risk being wounded.” And if we spend our lives avoiding the potential wounds by placating systems, people, authority and security we will never truly live.

Madeleine L’Engle said, “When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.I want to be alive, not dominated by my fears.

BREAKING THROUGH THE VICTIM

Over at Effortless Grace, Tom wrote a really good post. The topic really resounds with me because I often find myself afraid. Afraid of what happens when I live out my dreams and succeed! Recently, I have decided to just go for it. What is the worst that could happen, it just not work out? Well, nothing happens if I don't at least take that leap.

Starting film school is a step. Walking out certain desires despite fear just below the surface. Each time, I step out a bit more. Excited, confident, and curious...

Choice is so much a big part of this process. Seeing the choices and acting...
and trust...

I have never known myself better than right now, but there is so much more to the puzzle.

Focus

I feel vague today. And complete. I am complete just as I am. That isnt saying I don't have more learning and growing to do or that I don't need anyone...that is not true. What is does mean is the way God made me is just fine. My validation comes from His opinion. Not anyone else, not even mine. I find alot of comfort in that.

I want more of the moments that I trust and believe in who God says I am.

Peace

I made a statement in the last post that I hope peace comes soon. It just occurred to me, I already have been given it...so the choice to be made is accepting that gift. Jesus righted me with God, he redeemed me. I am starting to think, maybe, the problem isnt when will I achieve peace and freedom but when will I claim it for my own. To live in the belief it is already completed. Interesting...

Why do we make it so darn hard?

"THE VISIT"

I have nothing to say except I feel vulnerable. I am completely out of my comfort zone. However God, thankfully, is greater than my heart.

How do you love someone for real when you go from dating to just friendship. I'm learning. Just for the record, it is hard work and doesn't come without some choice, determination, and courage. This person is worth it to me. I hope soon the peace will come.

Please.

Mike Y

Peace describes a condition rather than a demeanor. Peace is the result of salvation, which means that man and God are no longer at war. Peace describes the state of man after conversion. He is at peace with God. - Mike Yaconelli

We're attempting to convince the world how good Jesus is by how great we are. This is precisely how Madison Avenue sells toothpaste, automobiles, and underwear. People don't need any more images of success, wealth, and power; they're surrounded already. What they need are their sins forgiven. What they need is healing. What they need is love. - Mike Yaconelli

A talk

So today after class (which was very excellent, but that is another post) I talked to a friend about his life and what brought him to where he is at today. My thoughts were many as we talked. None of which were shock. I felt sympathy, relief, gratitude, fear...really so many things. Let's just say he has been through a life of drugs, jail, despair and much more. But for God's grace he really would be dead. He had an experience with heroin that nearly killed him. You know what. He doesnt believe in God. He said to me, "I chose not to." In this case, I close my mouth, let him share with me, and "show" him love the best I can in all my frailty. I felt so inadequate but I know that God is bigger than our hearts. He knows what this man needs and how to deliver it. So trust is important. Trusting that a God that loves can handle it.

I am so glad that I am in that class. It is a good place for me to be on so many levels. We will see what it brings...

One another note, today we talked about hair and makeup. We had a tremendous guest speaker whose latest credit is North Country (starring Charlize Theron)...needless to say I have a new found respect for what they do. It isn't just making someone pretty and off you go. It is a moment by moment tedious process of perfection with hair and makeup. Fixing, correcting, fixing again, changing...well you get the idea.

I think the thing I love about the movie process is that it is a team effort. No lone ranger syndrome. I'm going to grow alot, not just in my craft but in my relationship with the Lord. At the end of the day, that is the most important thing to me. HIM.

Clutter, Scutterbug

Ever have one of those days where you just wish you could shut down your thought process for, let's say, a day....at least. I am.

Lots of little thoughts just cluttering up my mind. Keeping me scattered.

Today is a day to get in my VW bus and chill. Bring lunch, a book, and find a quiet spot.

I think I will. Enjoy the day for what it has to bring. There is only one like it...

peace.

A legend

Conrad Hall was a man I deeply admired for his work in film. He was a cinematographer. There were very few people who could light a scene like he could. There was just the pure way about him, using shadows and natural light to portray a feeling or mood. Check out Road to Perdition, American Beauty, Tequila Sunrise, and Cool Hand Luke to get a small idea of what he could do as an artist. I had this crazy idea I was going to work with him at least once but unfortunately he died Jan 2003.

This is something he said that is so very much how I want to approach my filmmaking.

"Filmmaking is about finding things out, it is about examining, it is about discovering. You should approach your work in the same way that a child new aspects of the world. I draw inspiration from absolutely everything around me."

When I was a new christian, I was told people who loved God didn't make movies or work in Hollywood ("the devil's playground"). I think that is a bold faced lie. While I think that LA is a very complex place with unique challenges it is not beyond the grace of God. Hearing it labelled that way makes me ill, frankly. God made beautiful things, creativity, art, theater, and all the stuff in between...I can think of nothing I would rather do than explore art with Him.

That is just one piece of the puzzle that is me.

Dreams

I was checking out Reid's blog, today's post should stir up some interesting discussion. Check it out!

Take a deep breath in...

Just looking at this photo takes my breath away. I find Scotland the most lovely place I have ever been.

This pic is of Moonan Bay, Isle of Skye. I was this close to going there but I was in the group that headed north to Dunnet Head. You won't hear me complaining though, Dunnet was just as amazing.

Hopefully, one day I will get my chance to go there! *wink, wink to Jaynie*

(credit for photo goes to freefoto.com)

The comparison trap

This morning as I sit to write, my thoughts are many. I think to myself about all those "great" blogs out there that have inspired me and have so much to good stuff to say. Then that familiar voice pipes up and says "What do you have to offer? You have more questions than answers? People dont want to hear what you have to say."

Here is the thing with that, I know it is bull. I know because God's "voice" speaks to me, in love, to tell me what is true. It doesn't come like a burning bush experience more quiet. Calming my frantic soul. He gives me the worth I seek in other things. When I think of how much He loves me, I don't understand it, but I am starting to accept. Everyday, I let myself be loved a little more. It gives me LIFE.

You know what: Thinking about Jesus, alot of times I want to/ or do cry. Not because I am sad but I think because I get overwhelmed and my body just does it. Jesus really is the greatest man I have ever known.

One desire is to cut out all the BS that is wrapped in perceptions. How that gets done. I don't know. And that's ok...repeat...not knowing is ok....

**Today is "movie day"! That is when I get the great pleasure of going out with my Gabby and all her friends (normally the same 6 people ranging from 60-80 years old) to lunch and a movie. I am the youngest one there. Often time they don't listen to what I have to say because I am "young". What I used to dread, I like so much now. Just listening to them, being with them. For some reason I can't explain, it doesn't seem to matter as much whether I get "heard" or not.