Cleansing

So here it is, a confession...hoping it is good for the soul. Or at least, good for healing.

I signed up for this site called christian mingle. It is a christian singles website. I was having fun with it...chatting and talking with guys from all over. Even met 2 that I still stay in contact with though there is no potential for romance.

The thing is, it is alot of fun, until the guy decides to not write back or he finds someone else. Then I am left with "What the heck?" How could it be going along just hunky-dory and out of the blue...POOF!....that person is gone. It really feeds my fear of being rejected. I feel rejection each time a person leaves. I don't like to admit that but it is true. All of a sudden it becomes clear to me that I made that person a validater of my worth. Instead of releasing the expectations and seeing it for what it is, an online penpal...no more and no less. Not the decider of Mel's place in this world or anything else.

The cool part is that I see it...and God sees it. I am open to change and realizing I can't do it alone. That is why I have been going to group counseling. Talking to other people about "my issues"...and finding the strength inside of me (with God's love, of course).

In my mind, I am seeing more choices....what will I choose. You know what, I choose, LIFE...and to the full. I want hope, freedom, faith, and love guiding me...not the bullshit I have on my back...but I must be brave and quit thinking I am a victim in all this. I'M NOT!

God is love, people. Embrace that.

Peace.