Squash

There is something God put in my heart where I now see and feel when I am "squashing" Him. When I treat Him like my "little imaginary friend" instead of the wonderfully, amazing, loving Father that He is.

He shows me. Despite the fact I am so loved by Jesus, it is my belief that in that love He corrects me. It isnt mean or oppressive to me. It feels safe. I know that His motive is not to manipulate or play games with me but to show me a more excellent way. That way is love.

REAL LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR. I think one of the ways God has shown me that kind of love is through my best friend, Jayn. She is wonderful. Real and raw. Honest. Humble. And knows some really lame stuff I have done and loves me still. When I experienced that kind of friendship with her...I think in alot of ways I began to get more of a glimpse of how God must feel for me---being that His love is perfect. He doesn't want to squash me down or live in a box of traditions. He wants me free.

I am gonna end it there. "God with us"....Selah

***ps...I wrote this on a tired brain! :)

Miscellaneous Musings

Went and saw Derailed tonight. My thoughts: Good thriller, great twist, Clive Owen is always good however Jennifer Aniston...to put it kindly, not so good. Pretty out of her element. I think her strength is rom com certainly not intense drama!

I am working at the bank again tomorrow, they requested me and I am kind of looking foward to it. Not the office work part but the part where I get to work around some really great people. Way cool!

The documentary I was gonna do in Mexico fell through. Such is life! Apparently their production team fell off the face of the earth. Hope they have an amazing shoot anyways.

Got two new books today, I get to add them to the growing pile I have. Looking foward to maybe spending sunday curled up with a good book. Possibly take my VW out in nature and relax.

No call from Mr M (the guy I went on a date with last week)---after a few girls moments of "was it something I said or did?"...I am over it. On to new things like enjoying school, meeting more new people, staying a good friend to the people already in my life, and growing closer to God every step of the way.

Green is a great color, my fave.

Something's off

I am stressed inside. Not sure why. There is some unrest. Maybe it is all the "free time" and not enough of putting my heart into something meaningful.

You see, I have these little ideas and I don't run with it because I worry, "What if it doesn't work out, then people will judge my decisions and think I am wack-o". Between you and me, people already think I am different and don't agree with alot of my life choices since walking with Jesus. I can understand that too because in the past I made some decisions that would have looked weird to me too if I didnt know what was motivating me. Also, I did some things out of a misconceived idea of what a christian was. I put my own ideals and life experiences as God's. Even now, I catch myself with a very biased view of what someone who loves and follows God looks like (and I am not talking just physically). I get impatient when people don't "hear me" but then I turn around and do that same thing to the ones I love. I see that in me and it stings, I see how desperately short "mel's love" is for those who need the real deal. I am motivated to dig deeper but I also understand that it's ok to not be the best and rest in the grace God pours out on everyone. It is my belief that He is gracious to ALL people, not just the ones who live by a certain set of rules or say all the right things. ALL.

Nothing to say

I don't have a whole lot to say tonight. Well, one thing does come to mind, keep my friend B in your thoughts, his little doggie died on Sat. It was his best friend and he is feeling the loss.

I was going to work on a documentary in Mexico for the next 3 weeks (while doing the school thing on Saturdays)...and as sometimes happens, the gig fell through. I am a bit disappointed but there is more down the road. Having so much free time isn't always good for me since I can tend to be an "over-thinker"...but perhaps this time I will find stuff to focus on other than my own junk. Discipline,a word I loathe but a trait desperately need! :)

Peace.

School's in Session!

Today was my first day back after about 7 weeks. I am glad, the break seemed WAY too long!

Training in safety procedures, OSHA stuff to get into the local 480 (IATSE). Union is the only way to go in the film industry, otherwise you take your chances. I found out with this semester and 15 days set experience on a feature, I can be grafted into the union. Good deal. Except the part it costs 600.00 a year for dues.

I added a rss feed today to make it easier for people who read my site to get updates. Enjoy.

I am not really good at site improvement (code and such) but I think I will be making some changes in the week ahead.

Pats rule!

check this out...

I go to other peoples blogs and sometimes I stumble on really cool stuff. Well at this one, I got the priviledge of hearing about a remarkable man named Kyle Lake. He was passionate, devoted, and faithful. The people around him were blessed to know him (my gathering from all who talk so fondly of his life). I don't know exactly why but this particular story has touched my heart...THIS ONE. KYLE. I believe that we are all linked in this big "family" put together by God (and Jesus and the Holy Spirit)...we are meant to be one so when we lose such a man, the body feels it. I am thankful for such a connection. It means we are alive, somewhere deep where cynicism/pessimism can't taint us.

Check out this book if you can Understanding God's Will: How To Hack The Equation Without Formulas . I bought it today. :)

Take care my family. I have so much love for you.

Living in the Moment

Live for right now. The present. Not the past and not the future. Breath deep.

God thanks so much for loving me even though I am a mess of jumble thoughts, ideas, goals, opinions, insecurities, dreams, likes, etc....

Lately I have been more materialistic than I have been in the past. I am not sure why. God show me, and not only that help me to see the world is about more than meeting my needs. It is about others too. Their dreams, hopes, ideas, etc....

Look around.

See what He sees. I know that is something I need His grace to do.

I wonder if I never changed anymore than to who I am right now, am I secure with Him? My heart says yes but something in me feels, "nope, you gotta earn your place in His family. Nothing comes for free. You have to fix the broken bits inside you." What if any of that is true?

Writing 101

Meeting with two people from class to work on a treatment for a short film we want to do together for the class. Very Twilight Zone before it went wonky. I don't know if I am a good screenwriter since most of what I do is very stream of consciousness. We shall see.

New things, while I really like them always fill me with a nervous energy...some more than others. Last night, as I went to sleep, I thought about how weird it feels to meet a new friend. Going through all the phases that getting to know someone brings. In the past, I really misrepresented who or what I was so now I have to fight the urge to go uber-rebellious for the sake of "staying real". Staying vulnerable to another person is interesting. I get sort of scared but then I remind myself of my place in God's heart (and vice versa) and it normally mellows me out. I am experiencing through life that relationships take time, energy, trust, faith, love and very little of all that is instantaneous. And in the end (whether the friendship/or whatever) there are no guarantees. None. I can't help but wonder about God's role in that. What does he think? Hmmm.

Hey, I don't know. Just living and learning. So far, while there are moments of complete uncertainty I like where God is taking me. He is making me "new" from the inside out.

Something new

It was just plain fun. I had a few moments of nervous energy but for the most part it was good. I like the idea that I was not so worried about the outcome, just enjoyed each moment. No matter what happens it was good to spend the day with a fun person. Being as real as one can be meeting and getting to know someone new.

So, yeah, thanks God for a fun-filled day...and thanks for loving me enough to be with me in my heart and mind so that I don't do what I used to which is worry about things so much. Insecurity is a bitch and it wasnt long ago I remember leaving a date or whatever racked with worries about rejection. For whatever reason I just don't feel that now. God, you are good. I don't know how you do it, but you do! :)

Love ya!

Coffee

I am having coffee with a young man named Mark tomorrow. 10 AM. Let's just say I am a bit nervous. Haven't had a date in a long while. I can tell certain things in me are changing because I don't stay self-conscious for as long, IF it happens at all. I think more of what I am feeling is a nervous energy. Being excited. I really want to stay true to who I am. Be real. Think of this as nothing earth shattering but just meeting a new friend (albeit one that is very good looking).

I guess it is still new to me to appreciate that another person would find me interesting enough to want to get to know better. I like it. I like knowing that I bring some very cool things into a relationship/friendship/whatever...and also my weakness are in need of God's infinite grace.

God, you know how much courage it took for me to call back and initiate this contact, thank you for giving me grace in the fear. I am a true believer not in the absence of fear but being courageous is facing that fear and pushing through. Dreaming big.

Be with me tomorrow when I will be calming myself down so I dont' spin off the map. Loves, Your Melly

San Diego here I come

Heading to SD for 5 days to spend time with my little bro during his birthday. He is 16 this year! I remember him being born...wow, can't believe it. That's rad. Please pray for him because his life has been hard and full of struggles.

Thanks.

See ya on the flip side.

Perfection is an illusion

Do you ever have days where instead of resting in the perfect love and peace of God, you keep striving to achieve this goal of being the "perfect person". Then you get caught up in this cycle of relax, trust, strive, fail at being perfect, feel really bad about it, mope for days or some length of time, then repeat....Where does that come from?

The really cool thing is I have these moments of clarity where I can see things how they are and not through the distorted world view I often judge things by. I really enjoy those moments. Thank you for them, Jesus you are more than I could have ever hoped for when I signed on for this ride called "being a christian". I thought it would make me a better person (and it did in some ways) but mostly what it brought me, was a closeness with you. In the words of Tom Cruise in Jerry McGuire, "You complete me". Thank you for being so very there.

That said, I'm out...


PS Pats play Jacksonville on Sat...I'm hoping for a win and a really good game!

ANGER

Anger is an interesting emotion and one I have not mastered. When I feel controlled, I let it get the best of me. One thing I am coming to realize is that in that very fact, I am trying to control. It isn't a good anger, it is a dominating, fear based, suck-all-of-the-love out of a room response. I don't like that. The only thing I can do is put out the effort to change and rest in the grace/love promised me. It is there, I gotta reach out for it. Maybe not tangibly but grab for it and hold on.

Another side of things: I have this capacity to empathize with a person, and that is a good thing. I care about people a great deal. Now that is God-given.

Happy New Years! Be well and of good cheer.

PS Walk the Line is real good. Go see it! Truly, GO SEE IT! You won't regret it.