proactive

I don't think life was meant to just sit and observe but to engage and LIVE. What does that look like?

so much to say BUT

too lazy to type it. I warned ya that I have this lazy streak and it is out full force...except for the fact I have alot on my plate with school and projects but on the flip side I like to just be at home lately. I don't know if it is isolating but just enjoying having 'alone moments'. They can be nice sometimes.

I am having a few challenges in some friendships with people from school and me being the classic avoider gets stressed out when I might have to confront someone! I don't know how to do it, they aren't going to like what I have to say.

i'm sleepy and off to bed. I'll write more another time.

peace.
mel

Apple powerbook

Well, I am going to ask for prayer to be wise in how I invest in the next "big" purchase I am soon to make. Recently, because of school and some of the responsibilities in filmmaking I have, it has come to my attention I may need my own computer.

You see, the thing is that I am not working on a regular basis, instead doing temp jobs here and there for a little income so a purchase like this is very signifigant.

The computer I have been looking at is an Apple G4 powerbook 12"(refurbished). It seems to be the best fit for me...and it has a price tag of $1500 (w/apple care plan and such---but that is with a student discount)

but I am slow to buy---and long to think.

any thoughts?

peace,
mel

reaching out

The Bickle Family.

Check it out. please.

love ya,
mel

Just "me"...

I thought I would post a little something while I am waiting for my clothes to dry. I really should be going to bed at a normal hour but I kind of want to stay up late and get up early (for my temp job at the bank-last day for this assignment is tomorrow) like in the old days. It is funny but when I hit 31 last year something in my body cannot pull an all-nighter or even a late-nighter. For the most part 9 or 10 is the latest I can stay awake. Like clockwork when that hour hits, my body says "hey, remember me, I need rest...". So I oblige. Tonight I am revolting. I need to get some stuff done and I chose tonight.

Ok, time for my silly rant, I have loved the New England Patriots ever since I was a little girl but more so in my adulthood. I think it is because I grew up back East and also I love an underdog (until recently they were always on the losing side of the ball)---hard to believe that the last 5 years happened. Well, that said, the team as I know it is no more. Several of the players I have been watching for many years are moving on. It feels weird. What will it be like to see one of "my boys" wearing a different uniform. However, a part of me is realistic. That is the way of pro sports. Money, trading, business, frachises...but to me I see the Patriots as a great example of faith and destiny meeting and greatness ensuing. It is like everything lines up for that time. Teamwork, not one star but a group of men fighting for a common goal. Sacrifice, working hard, putting others before yourself--these are all traits that are in many of the players on this team. Maybe that time has passed, who knows. I still love them and will continue to root for them every Sunday until I am old and gray. God, thank you for humoring me when I get so obnoxious over my fave team. Now I won't insult somebody else BUT I am fiercely loyal!

I am tired of men who lie. I don't ask them to. I don't think I make them feel like that is the only option and yet---
over and over guys I am befriending are being deceitful. It puzzles me to say the least. Maybe there is something about communicating I can be learning. In the past I used to think it was my fault and blame myself and now I see, I need to be honest with them. Share my heart about how their treating me is not acceptable. Always be open to reconcile with them and not hold grudges. Easier said than done, but I am gaining courage (hope that comes out pratically some day!). I don't have alot when it comes to men and frankly I don't know what is a normal way a man treats a woman. I have had alot of knocks. Little by little I see glimpses of what real men are capable of, not perfect mind you, but sincere genuine ones. It is a wonderful thing for me. It builds my faith.

Jesus, could you send more men into my life. Genuine ones (not for romantic reasons but just to open my eyes more to what's is TRUE). Thanks.

peace.
mel

saturday is good

So I got through the week shooting at a house that had 4 cats. Needless to say I am allergic to cats so by the end I could barely get through a take without sneezing. All in all I thought the week went well. There was the typical stuff you face: people calling in with no notice, technical difficulties, our inexperience, etc. but I am proud of my crew. The moments they did irritate me it was because I was expecting too much for the level they are at. In moments where I did get a bit scratchy, most of the time it is internal and doesn't get out to them, I would make a mistake and be humbled by the need for grace towards me. Thing is though, it is a tough industry to work in so I think being prepared and under no glamorous preconceptions is the best way to be. Also, coming into this passion I really feel God flooded me with thoughts of "people over projects"...at the end of the day do the best I can technically but people are what is important. Treat them with love, genrosity, and kindness...the is still with me. How it plays out practically is a work in progress. As is much in my life.

God thank you for your constant kindness towards me. Man, you are patient. Thank you for Saturday, I really could use a day of rest. Good times...

Tonight I go see a dance performance with all kinds of latin and brazilian dance. I'll let you know how it was.

PS No word from my friend since he made plans with me and cancelled at the last minute. Just how patient am I supposed to be, it makes me want to smack him and say, "what's your problem? can't you see I am trying to be a good friend. can you work with me here?"

peace.
mel

shocker!

Here is a big confession from me: I want to be perfect, and have people think I am perfect. And yet with my brain, I know that is not true and I don't carry myself like I think I am all that. What is that about?

Tonight I had a little complaining moment and afterwards I thought, 'I shouldn't have done that, what does that guy I work with (on a film project) think of me..that I am a big whiny baby or I don't want to work hard, or any number of things'. It has really got my mind in a pickle.

It makes me feel exposed, in a way. Part of me doesn't like that feeling. .

God, why do I panic when I say anything that shows a bit of "me" to certain strangers---ecspecially something that may be less than stellar. I wish I was more brave...

not much to report

Been real busy shooting the 3rd scene of four that were slated for March. My role in this whole thing is coordinating, moving things along, problem solving, keeping up team morale...all the things I like to do. Plus it is in a creative area like filmmmaking. One important trait is to always keep your cool on set. Even when every one else is freaking out, you stay calm. It does alot to mellow things out instead of heighten the "panic" or whatever is going on. When I go home though I usually feel so tired I want to fall into bed. No such luck though, there is more planning to be done and also helping my Gabby around the house since she had knee surgery. All in all, I like it. There is nothing else I would rather be doing. There is so much more to learn too. This road will not happen over night and takes perserverence, something I lack but can develop.

STICK-TO-IT-NESS.

I think it is weird when you work at something you really like doing, it makes it easier to put up with the little quirks that will come more than if you are not passionate about it.

Thanks for the wonderful people I have gotten to work with.

see the need

I see the little things that I need grace for, and I am glad that it is given. I always find it much easier to be compassionate to others but when it comes to myself I think somehow I imagine I am not worthy of it. I think the more that time passes and I see more of who God is (not just my picture of him)--that thought tumbles away under his love.

Right now I am so thankful for the many, many loving people in my life. They inspire me. They give me a safe place to land when I fall. For the first time in my life, I am "letting" myself fall and resting in both the love of God and of those people. Scary, beautiful, odd, but life-giving.

peace.
mel

can't relax

Major personal procrastination but staying busy in life. Weird.

not a whole lot to say. feeling "internal" today. QUIET.

my plan

Well, I have been doing some odds and ends class training to work as an AD (assistant director) . This will be a continual process as there is alot to learn. My real desire is to one day have some camera time but for now I will do this since I do enjoy it and I find it suits my love of helping and people-oriented. Last week was a busy one, I put together a crew to shoot a scene for an acting class workshop (it is one of 4 that we are doing). This will give us hands-on experience which is valuable in the film biz. This week I am getting ready for a Saturday all night shoot and then on to next week (March 13th) shooting for 3 days. There is so much to learn and at times it feels overwhelming. That said, I do really love filmmaking.

Still thinking about my "friend"...I am giving it time to settle. I don't really feel like responding, I kind of want them to come to me. Not so that I can make them grovel and beg or soemthing because that is stupid...but I guess if they intiaited contact it would show me that they wanted to be my friend still and that their relationship with me is not shallow but mutual. So I just share my thoughts on paper and with God. I don't really hear him say anything but I do feel better afterwards.

I'm getting sleeping. Off to rest. I have to clean my room and stuff tomorrow. Along with a few meetings.

A lie and my heart

Please don't hide from me.

Please let me be a friend.

How do I reach out and not retreat?

I wish so badly that my friendship meant something to you. That it was valued. I am not sure it is. Could I be overreacting, maybe, but honestly it hurts . So I say it, and move on.

God I don't want to run. I want to stay firmly planted. I fear. I doubt. I am swayed by my own insecurities.

Thanks for that great love for which I could not live without.

peace is where I want to live.

PS A thought came to mind. I can think of times in my life when I lie- it must hurt the other person. No wonder God doesn't want lies to get in between people, it tears. Maybe something deep inside people feels the impact of it whether it is known or not. Papa, I am sorry for the people I have hurt with MY lies.

Kyle's Film: Money Talks ($800)

Kyle's Film: Money Talks ($800)

These guys are trying to put together this beautiful expression of God's grace and beauty told through visual story. Read this post, and if you can help...PLEASE DO!

Too good to pass up

I was over at Steve's blog (Tableserver) and saw this:

Fear Not

Don't be afraid to imagine the absolute best things about God and man. It's better than you have been led to think.

good stuff...

peace

Mistakes

Making them is very humbling.

Yesterday...

I was very emotional, in fact, I had a very intense lonliness despite the fact I was with people all day. My days have been full to the brim with meetings and such being a 1st AD for a class project (an AD is just some one who hammers out the day to day stuff to get the movie shot-works closely with the director). I think I find it odd to have lonely feelings surrounded by people. It must be about the connection. What is that "something" that connects two people? Why does it happen with some and not others?

Well, I have to jet , we are shooting a few pickup scenes with a bus. Good times!

love to ya. wishing you nothing but peace in your hearts with the love God has for you. NO MATTER WHAT, that love is there. How friggin' cool is that?!??!

Grace is there, if you look

I am reading an auto-biography by Johnny Cash called Cash. A few thoughts run through my mind:

**faith is an interesting thing
**being a christian is not a "sunday school life"
**where darkness is, the light always follows
**love does really cover a mulitude of sins (as Paul put it)
**I wonder what June saw in him to risk her heart to be with him despite it all--because at the time he was deep into his addiction
**God endures and loves to the end, there really arent any limits

when people share their lives and hearts, there is something inspirational in the tension of gifts and messy stuff. hmmmm...

UNCONDITIONAL means UNCONDITIONAL.

been there, eyes open

Well, I have an complex friendship brewing with a guy that I find so easy to be around, he is also interested in film-making. There are moments when my mind entertains thoughts of "what if". Yet, it isn't that easy, is it ever....people are human. He has this part of his life that I just can't connect with. He uses drugs recreationally. In my heart, I see him in ways that make no sense. Looking at him beneath all that, the little moments...unfortunately I am so deeply biased in this area. How do I love him, but not lead him on or worse, grow attached to a romantic ideal. That is tough. I feel the need to fix and help but that is not love, not really.

I think too, I have this hyper judgemental side that when I get confronted with this, even though I myself have been there- I find myself being critical. Strange. It brings my mind back to how much I have been forgiven and just what Jesus saw me through.

Please, hold my heart in your hands God. Give me courage to not always want to seek the "safe" way. I pray heaps of God's kind of love for my friend...Tonight's thoughts are just random babblings...